will it heal you or hurt you?

I picked up what might be the last Wish magazine, partly because the New Year's headlines pulled me in, and partly because I felt sorry for the now-defunct glossy magazine.

So, either in remembrance of the publication or in honour of my aim to be better/stronger (than yesterday?), I will apply a lesson from the 'Mind Over Matter' piece to my life... or at least to my day.

It tells me that 'happiness ain't easy' ... and though I have been happy as of late, someone still called me a cynic at a holiday party. Why should I be cynical at a party? What happened to the bright-eyed, happy-go-lucky girl that most other people see?

This article aims to 'weed out negativity in everyday decisions' and will encourage me to make decisions that are good for me. In order to do this, I need to take 100% responsibility for the failures and the fabulousness in my life (those are Wish's f-words, FYI).

So I need to start asking myself, in my daily conversations, relationships, eating patterns, etc., 'Is this healing me or hurting me?'

Right now I am sitting in my PJs on my couch at 1:30 p.m. I have been thinking about making coffee, eggs and toast for a couple of hours. I have been glancing at my half un-packed suitcase from last weekend's lift in NYC. I know I need to mail letters and subscriptions, need to write a couple of stories and must-must-must organize my clothes. But I am listening to Radio 3, g-chatting, writing this and feeling guilty.

Maybe it's time to heal, girl.

I'll never forget that the Salt Lounge closed

I was frustrated today. I am the first to admit that I can be, at times, careless and clumsy... so I can tolerate it in others, but only up to a point. Today was too much and after six e-mails, many misunderstandings and yet another last-minute writeup, I was, well, angry. It'd been about three months since I'd been that angry (over a movie), and more than a year before that (which was ex-boyfriend related).

And that's when I remembered how important it is to have friends around to calm you down, and a Swiss Chalet within walking dinner. (Obviously, I intended to write distance but this slipped and it's funnier now and I don't want to change it.) Other ways to soothe your soul? Read a book and take a bath and drink a glass of wine. I'm beginning to rediscover all of my passions, it seems. : )

I picked up a new book today. It all started because I wanted to visit Pages because this article told me it would be forced to relocate once its 10-year lease ended and its $150,000/mth rent doubled March 1. When I told my neighbour the story, he was like, $150,000? Really? We figured they would have to make $5,000 every day selling magazines and books just to cover the cost of rent. Ludicrous, right?

So we went to Pages and I picked out a book and started chatting with the manager. Apparently, the number is more like $150,000 a year (I hope the online article is updated, soon), and they didn't really have to move... they kind of want to because the Queen West strip is ever-changing and filling with more and more chain stores. So basically, the article is pretty messed up.

I still bought this book but wondered if I'd still trust the newspaper. Anyways, I'm 20 pages into this, and one little line popped out and it kind of relates to how I feel sometimes and probably how a lot of other twentysomethings feel sometimes, or all the time, or maybe never (and then good for you!):

.... the onset of that lonely, latent kind of panic which accompanies the realization that you can no longer afford not to know where your life is heading...

A little more conversation

What would you say about someone who buys fortune cookies and baci chocolates in bulk? And enjoys the quotes on Starbucks cups more than the coffee itself? And wishes that more food and beverages came with messages?

Would you say "[her] sparkling eyes shed a healing light on those [she] meets"? That's what my fortune cookie thinks tonight. And my eyes are pretty sparkly -- except maybe not after two post-work pints, two hours of cleaning and two hours of waiting for my out-of-town guest to ring my (door)bell.

I think that messages like the one above are perfect for times when you're sitting solo, at 12:36 a.m. on an early Saturday morning, thinking about life and waiting to start a day-long catchup with a good friend who used to live a lot closer to here.

Mood Music

So I did something truly un-Canadian a few minutes ago. I felt a bit guilty about it, but then I was distracted by what happened next.

I put on Boxer by The National, poured myself a (second) glass of wine and told my neighbour we would hang out later. So, sitting at my computer, alone in my apartment, I hear the following lyrics from the song "You've Done It Again, Virginia:"

You went in and put a record on
To make it sound like someone was home
And thanked yourself for pouring yourself a drink

Maybe these lyrics are easy to apply to many a single twentysomething's world. And maybe there's another blog post that mirrors this one, and it's been written from another big city of sometimes-happy, sometimes-lonely people.

But you can't talk to people, right?
You can't tell a story
You're tall, long-legged
And your heart's full of liquor

Wow, that's all I'm saying.