"my life, my fault"

I think I should be doing a lot of things better.

Progress, TK.

Edit: Made dinner for my friends and it didn't kill them. (I believe their vocabulary included the word "delicious"). #doingthingsbetter

p.s. this is great <3

change can save your life

... or at least your perspective.

I wonder how easy it is for people to slip in and out of various states. Like, I was completely happy and feeling fine this a.m., then lost my concentration somewhere along the way, and when the clock struck 5 p.m., and the sun was shining and the city was laughing, I felt quite disconnected from it all. Like, a little bit lonely in a place where people are everywhere.

It's weird when I think about the fact that Toronto = my home. I don't know when exactly it happened, but, well, it's the reality now. And today I missed my friends x2 that moved away, and I wonder what I'm missing and what I want. And I'm rambling.

Anyways, back to my title... I think that no matter how bad your day was or how confused you might feel for that fleeting moment, any new piece of music, advice, conversation or feeling can shake things up or put you right back together again. so, yay for that.

x to the o randomness of this eve.

sleepy bears

I just tried something new. You can click on the title of this blog post to find out what!

Really, that's all I did. I made my first clickable title. WOAH. "But, Lori, what does it mean?" I downloaded the Grizzly Bears on iTunes tonight (because I am too nice to steal... or too willing to spend money... and I didn't even have to leave this comfy couch).

It's calming and tiring... or maybe I'm just feeling tired because I'm typing in the dark while it rains then stops then rains again. I wonder who's crying today? I wonder if they could match the rain's intensity with the emotional intensity of a person or event. Like 104, this cool art space I stepped inside in Paris (I miss you). One of the pieces included a video projection of a soccer game. I was like, but what does this mean? And then the explanatory pamphlet told me that there was a video to represent every outside temperature. So that mostly muggy somewhat breezy & bright day was depicted as a soccer match. Interesting, oui.

All day today I dreamt about coming home, pouring a glass of wine, lighting a little treat and taking a long, long bath. Instead, I am reading blogs, laying on my couch and eating what will probably round out to be an entire movie-size bag of peanut butter M&Ms. Hmm.

It's funny when you decide to spend a night alone at home. It seems so perfect and then it turns into this introspective evening where you question all the regular things you do, feel, etc. And then at the end of it all, you probably regret eating all that really great chocolate.

mama said knock you out

Things seem busy, but I feel like I'm in a mood-swinging rut.

So, let's mix & fix things up. First, by way of spring cleaning. And you know what makes spring cleaning all the more bearable? Calling in reinforcements.

My mother would probably have me murdered if she knew I was bringing in a maid for the 2nd annual 'help Lori get a life more organized' rally. Maybe I can consider it an early birthday gift to me, or just think of it as a way to keep my sanity or put me back on track or whatever whatever.

Anyways, speaking of my mother... I was speaking with her on the phone tonight and it seemed like she was listening to my answer to "how's work?" but then her "well, you can look for another job" response didn't really match what I was saying at all, which is that I like my job but it might change a bit & change can be a little scary, blahblahblah. I think she is just waiting for me to break down, go back to school, become a teacher, fall in love, move to Leamington, and have family dinners together every Sunday.

Anyways, yesterday was a crazy fun party day and now is a way less fun trying to feel better night. Work in 9 hours. To bed in 9 minutes. maybe.

best present ever

You know what can put you in a really good mood?

Buying a really perfect present for a friend's birthday. At least, I think it's pretty hilariously perfect. So if she doesn't like it, I'll keep it around as a good laugh... or as a reminder that we don't find the same things funny no not at all.

I had two coffees today but am STILL sleepy. I have gotten into the habit of buying POP and pouring just a little bit at a time for quick sugar pick-me-ups. I am the real thing, yes indeed. More so than Coke, let me tell you. But actually I am kinda liking root beer right now. My, how tastes can grow, change, evolve, mature.

heat & feeling beat

sometimes when the sun is shining you feel this pressure to shine on too.

but today I didn't feel as fabulous as the weather. Everything seemed so heavy on the walk home from post-work bevies, and I couldn't (and still can't) think of a quick way to shake it. Perhaps it's best to stop, sleep & replay a better day.

addicted to lust

Have you ever been infatuated with someone?

Like in that maybe-it's-unhealthy-but-I-can't-step-outside-and-recognize kind of way?

Hmm. I probably would have said no before sitting down for a post-work coffee with my newly married friend. I absolutely love the candid way she speaks, and how willing she is to spill her secrets (maybe not so secret secrets?) and admit to falling under spells or behaving somewhat badly or making not-so-great decisions (but we've all been there, right?).

I think I actually miss doing some of those crazy things (but that would be crazy, right?). And I'm teetering on the edge of behaving inappropriately or pulling back to reality. Hmm. Probably this time around I should take the smartest and safest route.

I'm sure there'll be another opportunity to take the road more twisted.

(Right?)

who's reading and writing

This has been a relatively quiet, unread blog - partly because I keep it rather quiet (and partly because I am another blog in a sea of blogs).

I might have two (or three) new readers, and this is one (or two) new readers than before. How shocking and hard to handle. If new people are reading, hello, dear friends!

But it's hard to write when you're aware that people you know are reading. But I do use this as a bit of a release, and maybe it's the alcohol in me or my naturally emotional state, but I found out that someone I knew, however briefly, passed away and it was really hard to hear. Perhaps especially because I remember his wife losing her father and mother within the two years prior to their marriage... I can't even imagine. I don't want to imagine.

Maybe that's all I want to write tonight.

let's talk it out

Today, I got to thinking about what makes a really great conversationalist.

While walking with my neighbour, probably one of the people in my personal life who I talk to the most, we came up with this quick, mini-list. I don't think it would get full marks if, um, graded by a great conversationalist. But it's a start.

Great conversationalists take interest in the other person (or people). They ask questions, and hopefully ones that make the other person pause and carefully consider their answer. You know, a little food for thought. It helps to know a lot about various subjects, and to share information in an interesting, witty and memorable way. I think the best conversationalists leave you thinking about topics in a new, inspirational kind of way.

One of my old flings was especially good at this. And it's funny, I didn't realize it at the time. Another person had to point it out, and I think that, post-relationship, I started to miss something that I couldn't quite put my finger on. Or maybe it was just stuck to the roof of my mouth. So now, a couple of years later, I'm looking for ways to bring back not him, but the elements of various relationships that I especially enjoyed.

And, for now, it's something to blog about.

long weekend heyyyy hey hey

Actually, I'm not a cottage type of girl or a camping type of person or whatever other kind of Torontonian lives fully for those long weekends.


Maybe it's because I grew up in the country(ish) and never required a weekend escape from pedestrians and traffic. And now maybe it's because I've never seemed to become friends with anyone who could lead me on the road to sweet weekend escapes.

* * *

Last night I looked up an old friend and she was working in PR. Then I had this terrible dream that I worked in PR. I quit my current job and on my first day at this new, foreign place I totally freaked out and was like "what the heck did I just do? I miss my old job! It was awesome!" And I woke up so relieved and it made me realize I'm in pretty good place and it was a very good feeling.

* * *

This week was nice and lovely but perhaps somewhat uneventful in the way that I didn't have very many "OH MY GOD" stories for my friend at Saturday morning brunch. Instead, it was more or less a "OH MY GOD, listen to this book I'm reading - can you believe what's going on?!" And she was all like "Listen to this LIFE I'm living - can you believe these boys and what's going on!?" And I was like, OH. Look at the difference in our lives.

* * *

A * * * break may not have been needed because I still want to talk about the book because it wasn't a book I'd normally pick up and I was a little offended that my other friend thought I'd like it. Why? Because it was a full-out ROMANCE novel with a kitten on the cover (I don't even like those things). But after seeing her again last night I gave in and started & finished it before writing this post. Hrmph. Maybe I should listen to my psychic (ha "my" psychic, like we have regular appointments set up. But, no, we don't), and put pen to paper (well, that's like the olden days) and start writing something that isn't work-related. Maybe.

* * *

I am listening to Peter Doherty. I really like it, and it's a sound I brought back with me after my trip (I seem to be very influenced by boys & their taste in music, maybe because it reminds me of that kind of feeling that slips away so quickly). Anyways, the point of bringing up this soundtrack was to say that it will not help me complete the required task at hand (reorganize apartment / make it presentable). Instead it makes me want to sit on the couch and stare at the rain and romanticize the day and hope for mini miracles.

hello, again

"be happy for this moment - this moment is your life."

And this moment, I'm listening to "Have you seen in your dreams" by Miracle Fortress. It's a very pretty & upbeat song (which makes me almost forget about the darkness that was last night's viewing of The Reader -- but it did have a fantastic score by Nico Muhly).

Anyways, it has been forever and a day since I've posted on here, and so many things have happened. I've been to Paris, France. (How would you feel if you lived in Paris, Ontario? Do you think they eat Camembert, pain au chocolat and parle en francais aussi?). I would if I lived there (should this part still be in parentheses? I am tired of them).

Work is going well. I am still feeling somewhat relaxed from my vacation. But I am staying up past my bedtime again. This one not what I had planned.

My post-vacation list of ways to make every day feel like vacation included making time for sleep.

Hmm. It's never too late until you run out of the hours required to clock in eight hours of sleep.

Oops (such a familiar little word).

Happy Wednesday night. This moment is sweet.

Which means my life is sweet, too.